Three Things to Let Go of Thanks to Covid-19
Author’s Note: This article is a reflection on patterns of behavior and presupposes a level of financial and emotional stability that many are sadly without at this time. None of the suggestions or comments within are intended as a dismissal of such struggle, nor is it the author’s suggestion that a positive attitude can undo any crisis. If you are grappling with basic survival, I offer my support and respect.
I’m thinking about moving in with my boyfriend. To be fair, I unofficially moved in with him on March 15. That was the day that the New York City schools officially closed and the city took another step toward lockdown. He lives near Central Park in Manhattan; I live near Prospect Park in Brooklyn. Without a classroom for me to report to, and with the subways no longer a viable option, we had a choice: cohabitate or split up.
We met in January. This has, to put it mildly, been a whirlwind romance.
I have hesitations. A part of my brain says it’s too soon, maybe we should slow down, back up a step and get perspective before we make such a big commitment. But back up a step to what? How, exactly, does that work in a quarantine?
The first two months of dating were packed with dinner dates and adventures. We had tickets to shows and concerts. We had races we’d signed up to run together. Our dating game was strong.
The shows and concerts have been cancelled. The races have been cancelled. Our dates now consist of grilling dinner and sitting around a fire bowl at night. It’s lovely, but it feels like that old life is a thing of the past. We can’t back up to more casual dating, not really. We can either agree that we don’t want to see much of each other, or we can move forward together in this uncertain time.
When the words “pandemic,” “quarantine,” and “lockdown” started to creep into the collective vocabulary, there was a sense that this was a temporary situation. If we all stocked up and hunkered down, in about two weeks we could resume our daily lives. The weeks dragged on. Patience ran low while toilet paper supplies remained high, and the extent to which we’d miscalculated became apparent. Now, over 60 days after quarantines began, we are looking out at a world that has drastically changed.
But it’s not just the economy that has changed. It’s not just the masks, the distancing, or the curbside pickup. It’s us. This experience has changed our lives and, by extension, ourselves. Hoping to lift our finger off the pause button and go back to the old routine isn’t the way forward. As we learn to live in a world where Covid-19 exists, we have an opportunity to adapt and grow into a new normal. Daunting though it is, this is a rare and intriguing chance. It’s not easy, and it won’t lead to any guarantees. But the quicker we get comfortable with this reality, the faster we can shape it into something better than what we had.
That means we have to let some stuff go. Starting now.
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Let it Go #1: “I Don’t Matter”
Although society is fascinated by extreme behavior, we are conditioned to think that we as individuals don’t have much impact. We tend to deflect attention and downplay our accomplishments as luck or no big deal.
It is a big deal. You are talented. And what you do absolutely matters.
Start with social distancing. There are few better examples of how what you do has an enormous impact. No matter how alarmed you are about Covid-19, science has proven how the disease spreads. We know that masks and distance are the way to prevent case growth. You can hold whatever opinion you have on the severity of the disease, but a choice to adhere to safety precautions matters to everyone.
I’ve heard from so many people via my newsletter that they feel they’re wasting time lately. They know they should be doing something more productive. They laugh at the number of puzzles they’ve done or the fort they’ve built with their children in the living room. But all of these things are productive. The way you spend your time is a reflection of what you truly want and need. And, yes, that includes all those hours you spent lying on the couch, staring into space. (I had quite a few of those, too!) Let go of the idea that you’ve wasted time and come to accept that you’ve done what was clearly needed in order to process all that’s happened. Love the puzzles you made. When were you ever going to get time to do that before all this happened? Look at what you’ve done while being stuck at home as a starting line to something new. Maybe it was a rest period. Maybe it opened doors of creativity you hadn’t realized you craved. Maybe it was a reconnection to the concept of play or a time to bond with your family. Whatever it was, it matters. And it deserves to be honored and used as a part of your new routines.
In the past two months, we’ve flattened curves and created so many memories, big and small. You matter. And what you love matters. Let go of whatever it is that told you there was no room for that in your adult life, and honor your amazing potential to survive, thrive, and play.
Let it Go #2: “That’s Just How It Is”
No, honey. No, it’s not. How many ways has that phrase been obliterated this year? And yet, most of us have developed habits and traditions that are so deeply ingrained we almost don’t dare examine them. Rightly so — it’s not an easy thing to step outside your day-to-day and look at the person you’ve become. Time, circumstance, and others’ reactions have a way of forming our personas. Routines form our daily patterns. Suddenly, we have a unique opportunity to examine those things and decide if they are what we truly want them to be.
There are parts of pre-Covid life that we’re all missing right now. There are things we’re worried may never be the same. I’m worried college football will be cancelled this fall. I miss sitting at my local pub and writing. I wonder when I’ll get to travel again, when I can hop on an airplane and go see my family again. I’ve not seen them this year. It would be nice to plan a visit.
We cling to the familiar because it’s what we know works, even when it doesn’t truly work. We shape ourselves around certain ideas of who we are, what we want, and we move on autopilot through our days. But in this global pause, what have you realized has changed about you? How can you let go of old habits that don’t support the you you want to be?
I’ve come to understand that the way I’ve gone through life is no longer serving me. Leadership roles (eldest sister, teacher, etc) have caused me to approach circumstances with an intensity that has helped me stay in control of chaotic situations. It’s also caused me to be much, much harder than I truly am. I’ve been learning to let go, to be kinder on myself and gentler in my approach. It’s freeing and difficult all at once.
I do not suggest this type of change is easy. It takes enormous honesty to self-assess, and it takes a type of bravery to make a conscious choice to end a cycle in your life. Moving into unknown territory always does. Then again, the global population is moving together into unknown territory. What better time to make a personal change?
The traditions we want to take with us will find a way to continue. Concerts will return. Sporting events will resume. We’ll travel again. Brunch will be a thing again. But those old routines that you’ve realized you don’t need? They can stay in the before times. There’s freedom in that.
Let it Go #3:_____
There is no heading here. There are things that an article can suggest to you, and then there are things you must name for yourself. We all have That Thing we know we need to let go of. This is the place to recognize it. Big or small, radical shift of minor tweak, there is a change you’ve been wanting to make. You should make it.
I want to make something very clear: I am not suggesting that any of this is simple. Letting go or ending a cycle very rarely happens as a singular occurrence. You may have a moment where you say to yourself, “I’m done with this.” Because you are done with it does not mean you won’t ever revisit that pattern. What it can and should mean is when you find yourself looping back to that mindset/action/person, you recognize and redirect yourself.
Recognizing that you matter and that what you do is valuable is a shift in mindset. Accepting that the way things always were doesn’t need to be how they are is a shift in behavior. Whatever else you need to let go of is likely a combination of both. All three can blend together, but there will be times when it all feels like too much.
You haven’t “failed” anything if you repeat a cycle you’re trying to change. All is not lost, and there is no reason to give up on your growth. There is every reason to acknowledge the mere fact that you see the habit you’re ending as a thing you want to move beyond. Making the decision to move beyond it is the growth. If each time you’re able to see it faster, to change your pattern with conscious kindness, then you are creating real change.
So, what is it exactly that you’re letting go of?
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I was not prepared to move anytime soon. I like my apartment and my independence. After a marriage that lasted for over 10 years, I was not looking to cohabitate with someone again.
I also wasn’t expecting a pandemic that would turn the world sideways. And yet, here we are.
Making this move, saying yes to a relationship, means I have to let go of what I thought life was going to be. It means that old ideas of how soon is too soon don’t apply here. Before Covid-19, this move would’ve been pure madness. Maybe it’s still madness, but it’s a madness I’m choosing to embrace. Moving doesn’t mean that we know how things will turn out. It’s not a lifelong commitment after four months. It’s a step forward into a new world. It’s saying, I matter to you. You matter to me. Let’s see what we can make together.
Honor what was. Take with you what you love most. Leave the rest. Let’s make this world what we really want it to be.
